Living with CPTSD still feels like navigating a storm within my mind.
My inner critic is relentless, sometimes easing its grip, other times turning my thoughts into a battlefield. On better days, I try to reframe this chaos as my little kindergarten – a place where my inner parts can be approached with compassion, even if they’re not always cooperative.
Trauma responses sneak in constantly, particularly when I interact with others in person. It’s exhausting.
I crave alone time, unsure if it’s a necessary refuge or if it’s further isolating me. I still wonder: Can we thrive without regular physical contact with people? Or is it truly essential, as so many studies suggest?
Over the years (and some therapy), I started to prefer socializing with my cat, rather than people. My body doesn’t feel safe around people, even when my mind does.
When strong emotions overwhelm me, they still feel as raw as they did in my childhood (despite meds, therapies, and behavioral changes), hitting me like a tidal wave of hopelessness that sometimes lingers for far too long.
Over time, I’ve often mistaken certain feelings for love, confusing the intensity of my emotions with something deeper. Therapy, along with a lot of reading and personal exploration, has been particularly helpful in this area.
One of my coping mechanisms became “fake it till you make it.” So, I pretend to feel okay, even though most of the time, I don’t. This is exhausting too. As you’ve probably noticed, CPTSD sounds like one particularly exhausting “brain bug” – indeed it is.
This journey is far from straightforward. The weight of disconnection and emotional pain often overshadows the small victories, but I’m still here, still trying.
This is where some inspirational content should go, but I don’t have any to share. From the outside, my life might seem pretty average, but on the inside, it’s a constant battle – and that too, is exhausting.
I took a break from blogging because I’ve been balancing nearly full-time job and studying. Returning after each break is always difficult, especially when I notice that some of you are no longer here. Some have moved on from blogging, and others are no longer with us. Changes are a normal part of life, I know… but it’s still hard to accept.
Dear fellow bloggers and readers, both old and new, I hope you’re doing well.
Living with CPTSD is a journey of pain, growth, and lessons I’ve yet to finish learning. Thank you for being here as I navigate it, one step at a time.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Can you feel connected to others, or do you feel better in the company of your pets and other animals?
Good to see you posting again! I wondered about where you’d gotten to! I hate having PTSD, but writing, and therapy, and some wonderful friends have really helped me on my healing journey so for that I am so thankful. X
I’m glad that you have your support system figured out and that helps you on this tough journey. Thanks for stopping by Carol anne. 🙂
Beautifully written! I also think change is part of life well shared
I’d say so myself feel much more ‘safe’ w animals more predictable weirdly as it sounds but I say take a deep breathe and pat yourself on the back for even trying to do and doing too! And your gonna be okay Jesus name I pray for you and I am on this journey too and this healing process isn’t linear but I never was very good at connecting to others so… hope my comment is helpful and I say writing has helped me to get less anxious too so keep up the blog! And I send u love and light 💡 xx
That’s a good description of my mind at the moment :).
It’s nice to see this post after what seems like a long break.
I really responded to this post. My struggle with cPTSD goes up and down. It’s funny because my mind always tricks me at the times when I’m feeling good that I will always be good. But then I am not. And that discourages me. I’m trying to remind myself more often that healing is not linear so that the blow is not so difficult when I have bad days. The important thing is that we keep trying, which is sounds like you are.
I spend alot of time with my cat, as well. He is much less complicated than people (although he is still somewhat complicated lol). I appreciate his company, especially when he graces me with sitting on my lap (which is rare.) He helps me cope with nightmares because he is always there beside me at night to pet and remind myself of the present moment.
I really liked the top of that web page: “not therapy, just gentle support”. And if you don’t mind. I have paraphrased what you wrote because it resonated with me. Here goes;
Living with CPTSD needs getting used to. When I was younger, I hoped my childhood experiences would just fade away. But here I am, 72 years old, and no matter what, I still remember being just aged 3.
My stoicism is relentless, though it sometimes lets me down a little. On better days, I tell myself that it is healthy to remember danger and those nasty people. When I have disturbing memories, it is my mind taking care of me. My brain tells me that what I experienced was outrageous, and if I grown up in a good family, it would all have been different.
It’s not exhausting to think like this, but I cannot change what happened.
I crave alone time. It is a refuge, even though it isolates me. We need other people, but it is okay that I need to spend time alone.
I feel a lot safer around dogs, but keeping a dog is too much for me at my age. I don’t feel at ease around people, even though I try to have normal relationships.
When memories overwhelm me, they feel as raw as they did in my childhood. I’d rather not have those memories, but I can’t delete them. I am not a computer.
Over time, I’ve often mistaken certain feelings for love, confusing the intensity of my emotions with something deeper. A lifetime of experience has confirmed what I knew when I was still young.
One of my coping mechanisms has been to daydream. Pleasant daydreams tell you what you really like. And provided those daydreams are not wicked, I like to live my dreams. It really is pleasant.
This journey is straightforward. I have stopped hoping the memories will go away, because they still come back when I least expect it. The present would be a lot better without memories intruding on me, but they are all from the distant past. I am a survivor, I am still here, and I can cope.
This is where some inspirational content should go. From the outside, my life might seem pretty average, but it can be a struggle. But, do you know what? After 72 years, it seems to me that lots of people are struggling, and I am not abnormal after all.
Living with CPTSD isn’t a journey. It is a condition. What happened, happened. It wasn’t my fault that I was placed with the bad people who caused me so much damage, and I have done my best to be the very opposite of them. I think I finished learning years ago. My strongest characteristics are are resilience, perseverance and endurance. Thank you for being here as I grow old, one day at a time.